The Best of the Worst Christmas Specials: The Star Wars Holiday Special

Blogger's Note:  I am pleased to present our second guest post in our 12 Days of Criticismas.  This one comes from my buddy Rhett Paro, a lover of movies, particularly of the 1980's "coming of age" variety.  John Huges is his wheelhouse.  But today he shares his thoughts on possibly the worst filmed production of all time, in virtually every respect, the infamous Star Wars Holiday Special.  Enjoy!

Who doesn’t love to see Jimmy Stewart receive the answer to his existential question “What if I had never been born?” It is so overwhelming no matter how many times it is on TV, all of America gets choked up. Or who can’t relate to little Kevin, though he is such a disease, defending his home and finding his family truly is important? Or who refuses to giggle as Bill Murray is confronted by the three spirits of Christmas? These are only some of the classic Christmas cinema gems (or change the word cinema, but it should be plural) we enjoy. Now set those aside.

This Christmas I want to invite you to enjoy the best of the worst. Call your friends, pop some corn, grab a beverage, and be prepared for the best worst experience of the season. The Star Wars Holiday Special will not disappoint if your desire is to sit in stunned silence, broken only by a friend’s wise crack and laughter. Read on and you will discover why it is the worst...and the best for your holiday viewing.

Why It’s the Worst

This holiday special is so bad it is hard to know where to begin. The premise: Chewbacca must get back to his family to celebrate Life Day (yeah that’s it), and now you know as much about Life Day as when you finish the movie. How can that be? Not sure, but the fact that you have Wookies speaking in their native tongue for a straight 6 to 10 minutes UNTRANSLATED will not aid your comprehension. This happens several times!

That aside, what else is excruciating? The foreshadowing of what Star Wars would become. A great idea which is now a cash cow for someone we thought was cool. Is this really the guy who also gave the world Raiders of the Lost Ark? Do salt and fresh water flow from the same spring? It is clear to me now: Mrs. Lucas was a huge influence on the original Star Wars Trilogy. It makes sense they divorced in 1983…hmmm. The truth is George didn’t change when he wrote episodes 1, 2, and 3 - just the writer did!

Why It’s the Best

This movie has some of the best worst but very quotable lines. Who doesn’t want to hear lines like, “Look here a pocket sized aquarium, you can take it with you anywhere” or “You could say she did it by Hand…Solo. I know you know what I mean…You do know what I mean don’t you?” Classic!

Don't overlook the mockability factor. Everything from the story line to character names (Chewy’s dad is named Itchy) to hilarious late 70’s graphics, it is all good – for mocking! Make sure whoever you invite is very sarcastic and able to apply a thick coat of satire as you view. Other movies might be cliche or tired, but few present such an awesome opportunity for unbridled lampooning.

What truly makes Star Wars Holiday the best, is the time you will spend with family and friends. When else will your mom tell you to lose a few pounds? Or where else can you see your uncle Eddie have a few too many eggnog and brandies?

So get cozy with your friends and family, and though you might be the family screw up just remember, you're not responsible for what you're about to see.

From the Editor:  Here's part one of the Holiday Special for your "enjoyment."  If you dare, search YouTube for parts two through seven.

ESPN 30 For 30: Broke

Starting in 2010, it's 30th anniversary, ESPN started producing documentary films based on happenings in the sports world during the sports network's lifetime.  They enlisted some very prestigious filmmakers and turned out a pretty impressive batch of films chronicling everything from the short lived life of the USFL, to the origins of fantasy sports, to Muhammad Ali's last fight, to the rise of Colombian soccer as seen through the rise and fall of slain soccer star Andres Escobar and drug kingpin Pablo Escobar.  I've seen quite a few of them, and have been impressed every time.  The films have been such a success in fact, that ESPN has continued producing them under the 30 For 30 moniker for the last three years.

I caught one of the newer ones this morning called, Broke directed by Billy Corben.  We hear stories in the news all the time about professional athletes filing for bankruptcy and think, "How is that possible when you make millions of dollars a year?"  Well, Broke breaks it down.  It's not all white tigers and diamond studded gold chains--though that's certainly a big part of it.

Put yourself in this scenario for a second:  You're 20 years old and come from a poor neighborhood.  All your life you've never had anything really nice and just putting food on the table was a struggle for your parents.  Well, parents if you're lucky.  More likely, parent.  Suddenly someone says they are going to pay you $50 million to play football.  With no experience of how to handle extra money of any amount, you now have it coming out of your ears.  You've never had a bank account, don't know how to write--or cash!--a check, and have no idea how to make a budget, but now, overnight, you've got a multi-million dollar fortune to manage.  You want to do right by your mom, so you buy her a nice house and car.  Your uncle needs help with that business he's starting, so you throw a few thousand his way.  After all, he's family.  A few of the old buddies from the neighborhood need just a little something to help them out of a jam, and besides, they'll pay you back when they can.  You've known them since grade school, so you figure they're good for it.  One of these buddies says he knows a guy that can help you invest your money and would be happy to be your financial adviser.  For a small fee of course.

You're on your own now, so you'll need your own place to stay.  You lived most of your life in a two room apartment, so you'll want some space.  That 10 room mansion should do.  You'll need a car...or two, or three, or four.  Hey, you're only young once, right?  And besides, you've got the money.  And since you are young, a few youthful indiscretions are to be expected, like perhaps that diamond encrusted medallion with your jersey number on it and maybe an exotic pet or two.  You know what ladies like?  Baby animals.  Get yourself a tiger cub.

And speaking of ladies...  You weren't exactly hurting for dates in high school and college since you were a stud on the football team, but just like everything else in the pros, these girls are on a another level.  Tipped off on where you're clubbing that night by sites like Balleralert.com, they show up in short dresses ready to party.  Hoping to catch a star by the heartstrings, and if his wallet should come along for the ride, so be it.  So, before you know it your entourage which has grown to include 10 of your closest "friends" is now doubled, because all your boys now have a lady friend.  You were already paying all of your entourage homies for one thing or another, and that they've got girlfriends, guess what, that doesn't mean they'll want less money.

Uh oh, bad news.  You blew out your knee in training camp.  Career ending.  Well, at least you're set for life with that $50 million contract you signed, right?  Oh, well this is the NFL, so your contract isn't guaranteed.  You're left with "only" your $4 million signing bonus.  But that's still plenty to live off of for a long time.  Hold on there, all-star!  Once Uncle Sam and your agent takes their cuts, you're down to about $2 million.  A quick call to my financial "advisor" to get some advice.  After all, that's what you're paying the guy for.  What?  What's that?  Those investments you said were sure things didn't pan out?  I'm out how much??  And when can I send your fee?!  Well, I've still got my family and friends.  I helped them out, now they'll help me out, right?  Hmmmm, no one seems to be returning my calls.  How'm I supposed to buy food for this tiger cub???

The thing is, this scenario is not all that far-fetched.  Very young kids who are just leaving home are ill-equipped to handle the amount of money thrown at them so fast.  They make poor decisions, trust the wrong people, are sought out by grifters and swindlers, and don't think about the future.  Without a doubt many of these athletes money troubles are due to their extremely poor spending habits, but that is a problem hardly exclusive to professional athletes.  A $10,000 credit card bill may as well to $10,000,000 for someone without the resources to ever pay it off.  I found myself more sympathetic to the athletes than I expected, partially because the deck is, in many ways, stacked against them.  NCAA schools make billions of dollars off of aspiring professional athletes, and offer little to no preparation in terms of financial management.  Once the money starts rolling in sycophants of every stripe come out of the woodwork.  Family, friends, "advisers," and women, all with a hand out.

Kudos to the athletes who agreed to be interviewed for this documentary.  Athletes are a proud bunch, and facing up to a camera to talk about how you mismanaged your millions cannot be an easy thing to do.  Props to them for stepping up.  Among others the filmmakers interviewed Andre Rison, Cliff Floyd, Leon Searcy, Homer Bush, Bernie Kosar, Curt Schilling, Keith McKants, Jamaal Mashburn, and Reggie Wilkes who is now a successful financial adviser.

In the grand scheme of things, there are bigger problems in the world than financially struggling professional athletes, but it was interesting to see how quickly and easily you can go from goal line to bread line.

Will There Be Snow For Christmas?

Blogger's Note:  Critical Errors is very proud to present our first guest post of our 12 Days of Criticismas.  The illustrious Peter Brown of the Internet sensation Kludge Spot blog gives us his review of...snow.  The white stuff that falls from the sky.  Not this guy.  Enjoy!

The Eskimos have over one thousand words for snow. Did you know that? It's not true. I just made that number up. I think it's more like twenty or maybe just nine. Okay, here's the truth; I'm not really positive. You know what? Who cares how many flipping ways an Eskimo can say ‘snow.' The point is, they seem to know a thing or two about the white stuff that falls from the sky and by the end of this, you will too.

This post is brought to you by a coastal California native who has never lived in an area that snowed. I've never shoveled snow off my driveway, been in a snowball fight or ridden a shovel down a snowy embankment in a 1946 Frank Capra film. Still that might be the reason that it interests me so much.

It seems that in films, Irvin Berlin hits, T.V. specials or even Lexus car commercials, you cannot have Christmas without snow. The two just seem to go together.

Hugh Grant Movie:

Awkward boy meets beautiful girl.

They become romantically involved.

They have a misunderstanding regarding pasta and bus schedules.

She vows to never speak to him again.

He proposes on Christmas Eve.

It begins to snow.

She falls in love.

Lifetime Christmas Special:

Solider leaves to war.

Wife holds it together for the kids for months.

One night, siblings begin to fight.

Mom begins to cry.

Young Klye bawls, “I miss my Daddy!”

It begins to snow.

Solider walks up the steps.

Therefore as a youngster I logically concluded that snow had magical properties. What was I suppose to think? I know as a kid in LA, I would ask my mom about it.

“When will it snow?”

“It doesn't snow here.”

“How can I make a snowman like Calvin & Hobbes?”

“You can't.”

“What?! How can I have a snowball fight? Build an igloo, go sledding, have a snow day, go tobogganing, eat a snow-cone, lick an icicle on a dare, catch snowflakes on my tongue, make snow angels or have a snow fort?”

“Sorry, no snow. That's one of the great things about living here.”

“It doesn't feel like Christmas.”

And that was true. LA in December didn't feel like Christmas to a kid. It was sunny with a side of smog. Not exactly the NBC expectation of a winter wonderland being pumped into that little kid brain of mine. Garfield had snow. The Grinch had snow. Frosty was made of snow, and every movie in New York City was covered in snow. Why couldn't we get a little in California?!

Snow is an American symbol of the promise of Christmas. It is a contract for our happiness. To a child, a white Christmas isn't just a pretty imagine on a holiday card, it is a requirement for the fulfillment of dreams. It is Santa's pixie dust and another year without means that surely you just weren't good enough.

Fast forward about ten years. I was 16 and my family finally spent a Christmas with snow. We rented a cabin in Tahoe with our extended family the year my Grandmother passed away. We needed something different to help us get through what had been a hard year.

I still recall pulling up to that snow covered pine lodge in the middle of winter, and being totally amazed. We had a roaring fire, hot mugs of cider and all of our wet snow boots lined up against the wall. There was a thick blanket of snow on the ground, and pine trees with branches draped in all their winter whiteness. I remember thinking, “This is exactly what Christmas should looks like!”

I hated it.

I was cold, walking was a pain as I was always slipping on the ground or losing a boot in the thick pile of wintry carpet. All my clothes were constantly wet. Driving in it was miserable if not downright deadly. You couldn't go anywhere without gloves, and if they came off, then GOOD FREAKING LUCK getting them back on your numb frozen hands! This was nothing like what I expected and I was miserable.

I guess that's the real point. Contrary to the CBS specials, Christmas is not about snow. It's about family, friends and showing off your cool new set of gaudy winter socks. If that traditional gathering means a white Christmas to you and yours, then so be it. But for this Californian, you can keep the cold white stuff to yourself! I think I like it better on the screen, as an idea, than actually present in my life.

5 Things That Make A Christmas Story Timeless

As I mentioned in the last post, my wife and I watch pretty much the same Christmas movies every year.  We'll try a new one every once in a while, for instance we watched Four Christmases the other night.  Not sure that one will make the yearly rotation, though there were some amusing moments, but I can only take so much Vince Vaughn in any 12 month period.  One of our, as well as any other self-respecting Christmas movie aficionado's, favorite is A Christmas Story.  Based on Jean Shepherd's awesomely titled novel of his 1940's Indiana childhood In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash, and directed by Bob Clark, A Christmas Story is a nostalgic look back at one boys longing for the perfect Christmas gift.  But why am I telling you this?  Everybody's seen it, right?  Right?!

One of the reasons its such a classic is that we can all identify with Ralphie and his covetous desire for the official Red Ryder carbine-action, two hundred shot Range Model air rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time.  We've all wanted something so badly for Christmas--and not just as kids--that it consumed our entire being, penetrated every ywaking thought and dream, and rendered any alternative no matter how thoughtful and noteworthy, even a homemade pink bunny suit, utterly lacking.

Here are five things that make A Christmas Story so timeless....

1.  It's a great period piece

I first saw A Christmas Story in the mid '80's when I was probably eight or nine, and even though the movie was released only three or four years prior to that, for a long time I thought it had actually been made in the time and place it portrays, early 1940's Indiana.  A lot of period movies try too hard to look the part and as a result everything ends up looking too polished, too perfect.  Well, save for perhaps the "major award," nothing looks polished or perfect in A Christmas Story.  On the contrary, you can almost hear the creak in their wooden floors, or smell the "whiff of ozone" when the sparks fly from the Christmas tree lights.  The costumes and sets are all perfect because they aren't.  They look lived in and used.  You get a real feel for the era and what a cold Midwestern Christmas would've looked like and what a malfunctioning coal furnace would've smelled like.

2.  The Old Man

Peter Billingsley's Ralphie is the obvious protagonist, but Darrn McGavin as the Old Man really steals the show.  Whether he's battling the furnace or the Oldsmobile that would freeze up in the middle of winter on the equator, his tapestry of swearing is delivered with the perfect combination of righteous indignation and old school working man angst.  McGavin delivers in all his big scenes, from his pride at winning his indescribably beautiful major award, to his frustrated rage when he learns there is no glue, to his utter joy of watching Ralphie unwrap his BB gun.  I can't imagine any other actor playing that role better.

3.  The unwrapping

This scene is to me maybe the greatest scene in any Christmas movie ever.  Those two and a half minutes capture the essence of the joy in giving and receiving just about perfectly.  Ralphie trying to put on a brave face after all the presents are opened and not finding what he wanted.  Ralphie unwrapping the gift faster as he realizes what it is.  The Old Man's face as he watches the excitement on Ralphie's.  Mother's face as she is as surprised as Ralphie.  Just a pitch perfect scene.  Love it.

4.  The kids

Another detail the movie gets right is how the kids talk.  Unlike a lot of movies, the conversations Ralphie and his friends have sound a lot like how kids I knew in elementary school talked.  Some the vernacular is different, given that I wasn't in elementary school in 1940's Indiana, but the dialogue rings true.  Yes, sometimes young kids swear.  Yes, they dare each other to do stupid things.  Yes, they call each other names and throw each other under the bus when faced with punishment.  And yes, they still need their mommies when they've had a rough day at school.  Just another thing A Christmas Story gets right.

5.  Randy in the bathroom/red cabbage segue.

Ok, so maybe this doesn't belong on the timeless list, but I always found it hilarious.  Probably because I'm immature.  I couldn't find a clip of it anyway on the web, but next time you watch it look for this.  Right after Ralphie decodes the Little Orphan Annie message he leaves the bathroom and his little brother Randy enters.    Randy runs to the toilet, lifts the seat, pulls down his pants and starts to sit down.  Cut immediately to a big pot of red cabbage boiling on the stove that looks...less than appetizing.  That could not have been an accident.  Well played Stan Cole.  Well played.

Really, I could go on.  So many great and memorable scenes.  A classic tale of childhood nearly everyone can relate to and a must watch every season.

Why White Christmas is Awesome

Bloggers Note:  Full disclosure, a large portion of this post was featured at an earlier date on Life of Ando.  Just doing my part to be green and recycle.

My family and I watch the same slate of Christmas movies every year, and under the threat of actually having to eat figgy pudding, I'd probably say that White Christmas is my favorite.  Directed by Michael Curtiz--whose other director credits include Casablanca, Captain Blood, Yankee Doodle Dandy among many others--and with music penned by Irving Berlin, it's really the perfect blend of great music, good story, and 1950's camp.

Starring Bing Crosby, Danny Kaye, Rosemary Clooney, Vera-Ellen, and Dean Jagger, it's the story (in case for some reason you don't know) of a couple of song-and-dance men who join forces after WWII to become a celebrated musical team.  They get romantically involved with a pair of singing sisters on the lam for allegedly burning a whole in their dressing room carpet and together the four of them try to save their old General's Vermont inn from closing down.  Musical hijinx ensue.

I could go on, but we've all seen it.  And if you haven't, then let me ask you why you hate Christmas so much.  But, there are a hundred little things that make it so great, many you probably wouldn't notice until you've seen it 20 or 30 times.  Which, fortunately for you, I have.  So here are a few of the reasons, some obvious some less so, that make White Christmas awesome.

-- Bing’s dulcet tones

-- Bing’s army issue camouflage ascot and front line loafers

 -- The background dancers in the Mandy (tragically, this is the only clip available on YouTube; its the dance number only set to a Beck song for some unexplained reason) and Love You Didn’t Do Right By Me  numbers; pure comedy.

-- Vera-Ellen’s inhuman waistline.  It’s about as big around as a cereal bowl!

-- Why doesn't anyone call out Emma the housekeeper for her meddling that almost cost them the show, not to mention three relationships (Bob & Betty, Phil & Judy, Betty & Judy)?

-- The fact that General Waverly asks not to be called General and everyone continuing to call him that for the rest of the movie. 

-- Of course he might have made it more difficult on himself by insisting on talking in military parlance all the time:

 To Betty at the train station, “I can’t help but think this is a tactical error.”

To everyone immediately after telling them to keep the general part quiet, “Excuse me everyone, I’m on KP.”

To Emma after she sent both his suits to the dry cleaners, “I’ll have you court marshaled!”

 -- The Bing-isms: 

“Whoa, whoa, time, time, cut!”

“It’s a little dangerous putting those knights up on those bleached chargers.”

“I’m starting to play a little trombone here m’self.”

“Grab the cow.”

-- Irving Berlin’s tremendous songs.

-- Wallace and Davis assisting the Haynes sisters skip town on a warrant for their arrest.  Apparently none of them plan on returning to Florida anytime soon.

-- “Mutual I’m sure!”

-- Danny Kaye’s “small internal muscular hemorrhage” or “small compound fracture.”

-- The foreshadowing of Rosemary Clooney’s future weight gain in the “Back in the Army” number.

-- The General leaving one of his soldiers hanging with a phantom handshake.

-- I could go on and on.  Best Christmas movie ever!

12 Days of Criticism

Christmas is coming and we here at Critical Errors have a very special gift to share with all our faithful readers.  All eight of you.  In the days between now and December 25th I will be--fingers crossed--posting a sort of 12 Days of Christmas series of reviews.  Twelve reviews between now and Christmas.  Pretty ambitious considering I've posted exactly 12 reviews since May, but we're going to make it happen.  And if not, I will personally show up at your house on Christmas morning dressed as Kris Kringle and will clean up all your discarded wrapping paper.  But no!  That won't be necessary, because it is going to happen. I'm enlisting the assistance of some guest bloggers to help bear the load and if they come through we'll get this thing done, no sweat.  Most will be Christmas related in nature, but not all.

Expect the first post, the partridge in a pear tree, if you will, in the next day or two, then one every couple of days thereafter.  By the time we're through, you'll be so overwhelmed by the steady stream of mind-blowing critiques you won't want to read another review all year!  Wait.  Strike that.  You won't want to read another review anywhere else all year!  Yeah, that sounds better.

So keep us open in a browser tab, be sure to Like Critical Errors on Facebook (you can do that at the top of the sidebar), check back regularly, and be sure to leave us a comment or three.  Agree, disagree, whatever.

In less exciting programming news, I am discontinuing the In 102 Words Exactly feature.  The original goal of 102 Words was to review something I didn't have time or energy to do a full review for, but still thought was noteworthy with a bit of brevity.  However, as it turns out, trying to cram your critical thoughts into exactly 102 words is more difficult and time consuming than you might think.  I'll bring this feature back in some format at some point.  Maybe In 102 Words More or Less, or something.  Stay tuned.  In the meantime, the already written 102 posts will remain active and searchable by the 102 Words tag.  Because I just know you need them at your fingertips at a moments notice.

The Shootist

Its hard to imagine a more fitting final film for a well known movie star then director Don Siegel's The Shootist starring John Wayne.  It's 1901 and the West, for the most part, has already been won.  Many towns of the West now boast running water, electric lights, telephones, and, soon, electrified street cars.  The once Wild West is becoming increasingly tamed.

The Duke plays aging gunslinger J.B. Books, a legend from that bygone era rapidly fading away into history, when men settled their differences with hot lead.  To further underscore the transition from one epoch to another, both in the history portrayed in the movie and the history of movies, a series of clips from John Wayne westerns through the decades stands in as evidence of J.B. Books' exploits in the Old West.  Diagnosed with a cancer of an advanced nature, Books arrives in Carson City for a second opinion from a trusted friend, Doc Hostetler, played by Jimmy Stewart.  Hostetler not only confirms the original diagnosis, but paints a vivid and painful picture of what Brooks can expect in his few remaining weeks and insinuates that for a man of courage there are other, much less painful ways to die.

Brooks takes up residence in the boarding house of widow Bond Rogers, played by Laruen Bacall, and her hot headed son Gillom, played by Ron Howard.  Brooks hopes to live out his final days in peace, anonymously in Carson City.  No such luck.  Before long word gets around the legend has moved into town, much to the chagrin of both Rogers and the loquacious Sheriff Thibido, played by Harry Morgan, who both fear his presence will bring to town those who wish to settle old scores or take up new ones now that Brooks is wasting away with disease.  Their fears are not without merit, as Brooks encounters old enemies and makes new ones upon his arrival, and there is at least one attempt on his life at the boarding house.

Besides the assassins  Books is beset with fortune seekers of every kind.  Books encounters newspaper men, aspiring gunmen, even an old flame, all looking to make a name, and a dollar, for themselves by cashing in on Books' legend.

There are only a couple of scenes of gunplay, as the movie is really a character study of Brooks as he takes stock of what his life has been in his dying days.  This is arguably The Dukes best acting performance, right up there with his role as Ethan Edwards in The Searchers and his two turns as Rooster Cogburn in True Grit (1969) and Rooster Cogburn.   John Wayne isn't for everybody, but I've always liked him, and no one can deny his place as one of movies all time legends.  He's a more reflective sort in The Shootist, as I suppose dying men often are, and you have to think that given the circumstances John Wayne must have seen quite a bit of himself in J.B. Books and vice versa.  Yet, he is without a doubt still John Wayne, quick with a quip and a gun, taking no lip from anybody.

As Books lives out his final days, his relationship with Bond is contentious--she does not approve of his life of work--but as two lonely souls brought together in the face of death, they develop a mutual respect which may have become something more if not for Books' dire diagnosis.  Then again, maybe if he wasn't at death's door he wouldn't have softened enough for a respectable woman like Bond.  Books also forges a relationship with her son, Gillom, who idolizes the legend of Books and thinks he knows the sort of man Books is and wants to emulate him.  He discovers he might not have what it takes, or even the desire to acquire it, to be a man like Books.  And maybe Books isn't exactly what Gillom thought he was in the first place.

In the end, Books decides that Doc Hostetler was right, and there are other ways to meet his finality then his insides being eaten away, and he engineers the final act of his life to that end.

If a western can be heartfelt and still be a western, this is it.  Great performances all around and a fitting end to a legendary career in the movies.

Here's a trailer: