I Am Not A Critic

I am not a critic.  I didn't go to film school, I'm not a journalist, I do not have finely tuned tastes honed by years of discerning and discriminating choices.  I occasionally enjoy burgers fried by pimple faced high school students at chain restaurants, movies about asteroids on a collision course with Earth, and the musical stylings Neil Diamond.  I have committed to memory all of the lyrics to this song.  If I stumble upon an episode of Saved By the Bell, chances are that I've already seen it multiple times and that I will spend the next 20 minutes watching it again.  OK, that's a lie.  I never stumble upon episodes of Saved By the Bell.  I know exactly when its on.

Most would read the above and think I'm just another in the faceless American masses with bad taste and too much time on my hands.  And while that's not completely untrue, these are (mostly) conscious choices, rather than a lack of knowing better.  Some would argue that's worse than not knowing any better, but some would also argue that Avatar was a good movie.  I know a good movie, book, or meal when I see, read, or eat one (and Avatar was none of the above).

The problem with real critics, is that they're too...well, critical.  No, Armageddon is not a great, timeless piece of art to be revered and studied.  But on a Thursday night when I need a little mindless entertainment, it works (sort of).  They've been in the ivory tower a little too long and they've forgotten what it is to just sit down and just watch something for what it is, rather than dissecting every little detail.  Not to say their opinions should be totally disregarded (I enjoy me some Ebert or Sepinwall on a regular basis), but their highfalutin-ness can become tiresome, their elitism palpable.

Critical Error is a regular dude's attempt at reviewing for the masses. No, it's not going to exclusively be the domain of cheesy music, 80's sitcoms, and cliche' one-liner ridden action movies. I appreciate a good foreign film and am among The Wire's proselytizers.  To say I have a wide and eclectic taste in all things media would be a gross understatement, and I enjoy writing about the things I enjoy.  And some that I don't.  I've been told by my parents that I have a talent for the written word.  Several times, so you know it must be true.

And so here we are.

Here's what to expect in the coming days/weeks/months/years:  reviews of movies without the phrase "tour de force" or the word gestalt.  Reviews of books without phrases like "a crackling good yarn."  Basically, reviews that contain only words that actual normal people use on a regular basis (however, I do reserve the right to use a thesaurus when appropriate).  Mostly, they will be written by me, but hopefully I'll hornswoggle  (exercising the thesaurus rule there) friends of mine to contribute now and again.

Initially, I'll be putting up some reviews I did for my old personal blog.  They won't exactly be timely, but it'll give you something to took at before I can whip up a few relevant ones.  And I think they're pretty good, but I wrote them so I may be biased.  Also, I'll be tinkering with the layout and features of the blog, so if things look a little weird for awhile, that's why.  Lastly, I'll be putting some info up about my own standards and philosophies on what I read and watch.  I know, sounds really exciting.  Try to contain yourself.

So, please tell your friends, like on Facebook, tweet, link, email, bookmark, teletype, and come back.  Make comments.  Tell me how right I am that The Three Amigos is one of the greatest comedies of all time, or that by saying 2001: A Space Odyssey is overrated I'm making a--wait for it--Critical Error.

P.S.  For the record, I do think Armageddon is ridiculous.  But I still kinda like it.

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

Author's Note:  This is a review I wrote back in 2008 for my old personal blog, with a few minor modifications.  I present it here for your edification.

I’ve really been into westerns lately.  My lastest viewing is the recently released The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford.  This movie is quite a contrast from 3:10 to Yuma.  It’s a much slower pace than 3:10 and while that movie was almost as much a psychological thriller as action movie, TAoJJbtCRF takes the psychological element to another level.  There are some thrilling scenes and some action, but at it’s heart it’s a character study of two pretty fascinating individuals.

The first is the famed gunslinger Jesse James played by Brad Pitt, who you may recognize from the Ocean’s ## movies and countless grocery store tabloid magazine covers.  Pitt plays James as a dangerous man living on the frayed edges of sanity.  In a few scenes he lets out a freaky laugh I don’t even know quite how to describe.  It’s not exactly manical, but it’s very effective in conveying James’ seemingly unstable grasp on self-restraint.  The glory days of the Frank and Jesse James gang are in the past and Jesse is looking for one last score before retiring into full time family life with his wife and two children.  Unfortunately, most of his former conspirers are either in prison or dead, some by his own suspicious hand, and his only resort is to bring along second string outlaws Charlie Ford and his brother Robert.  A decision that would prove fateful.

Robert Ford is played by Casey Affleck in an Oscar nominated performance that makes his older brother look like a hack.  Bob Ford was only twenty when he and his older brother hooked up with the James gang.  For most of his life he’d idolized Jesse James, reading stories of his exploits in dime novels and newspapers.  He knew just about everything there was to know about Jesse James, to the point of obsession.  His other great passion was his pursuit of personal glory and recognition.  He tells Frank James that he honestly believes he’s destined for great things…despite the fact that he has no special talents or abilities.  Affleck hit the role out of the park.  His Robert Ford is a cross between childlike admiration of James and a burning desire to be known, even if the path to notoriety is to cross his idol.

Through a series of interconnected events, the Ford brothers become involved in a murder that they fear will draw James’ wrath should he discover their involvement.  Knowing their days may be numbered they cut a deal with the authorities.  Whether they can pull it off is another matter.  The scenes surrounding the title event are excruciatingly tense and lend themselves to much post-viewing discussion.

**POSSIBLE SPOILER WARNING**

If you aren’t familiar with the events of Jesse James’ death and would rather learn of them from the movie, don’t read this next section.

Why did Jesse take off his guns?  Was he really trying to set the Ford boys’ minds at ease after reading about the arrest and confession, a confession that could connect them with the aforementioned James-ire-inducing murder, of Dick Liddle in the newspaper, as Bob claimed?  Did he really not suspect that Bob and Charlie intended to kill him?  And if he did know, why didn’t he beat them to the punch?  Was it really because he wouldn’t kill them in the presence of his family?  Or was he a man at the end of his own rope, not willing or able to continue his increasingly paranoid life on the run?  Maybe he just wanted out?  The movie, and history, doesn’t always answer these questions clearly.

**END OF SPOILER**

Besides Affleck and Pitt, the rest of the acting is phenomenal.  Sam Shepard left me wanting more of his Frank James and Sam Rockwell is great as Robert Ford’s older brother Charlie.  It’s a pretty slow moving movie and it is long, but I never found myself getting bored, thanks in large part to the stunning photography of Roger Deakins.  Some have criticized it for being a bit self-indulgent at times, but it was such nice looking self-indulgence I guess I didn’t notice or care.  The soundtrack is simple and haunting and adds weight to every scene.  All-in-all a very worthwhile movie, for its cinematic qualities and the fascinating questions it raises about America’s foremost outlaw.  Here’s a trailer:

The King of Kong

Author's Note:  I wrote this review back in 2008 and am using it here to take up space for a while.  Enjoy.  Or don't.  Whatever.

I love documentaries about weird or quirky things.  I loved Errol Morris’ Gates of Heaven about pet cemeteries and I loved Up For Grabs about the dispute over Barry Bonds’ 73rd home run ball.  Who doesn’t love Trekkies I and II?  I even love pretend documentaries like A Mighty Wind and Spinal Tap.  So The King of Kong:  Fistful of Quarters was right up my alley.  The movie shows the battle between two grown men (with, semi-surprisingly, wives and children) for supremacy of score on a video game that’s over 25 years old: Donkey Kong.

In this corner, Gamer of the Century, world record holder at one time or another of five internationally recognized high scores on some of the world’s most well known video games, including Pac-Man and Donkey Kong.  His recognized Donkey Kong record has stood for 25 years, Billllllllly Mmmmmmitchell!

And in this corner, a newcomer to the Donkey Kong universe and father of two.  A gifted athlete and musician and a Jr. High science teacher, claiming to have beaten the all time high score on Donkey Kong in his garage, Steeeeeeeve Weeeeeeeeeeibeeee!

Steve Weibe and Billy Mitchell share very little in common save their savant-like talent for Donkey Kong.  Mitchell is the epitome of the irrationally arrogant geek.  Though in his case, the arrogance  might not be totally irrational.  A legend in the arcade gaming community for over 25 years, he is now a successful Florida hot sauce tycoon.  He is calculating, manipulative, and has the most ridiculous haircut I’ve ever seen, resembling Darth Vader’s helmet.  More arrogant than a Donkey Kong champion should ever be, he speaks in overly thought-out riddles and Machiavellian clichés.  At one point he even declares  himself as controversial as the abortion issue.

Weibe is intelligent and gifted, but has struggled to live up to his potential, starting with a disappointing pitching performance in a high school championship baseball game. Always a hard luck case, the day he and his wife signed papers on their house, he was laid off from his job at Boeing.  Quiet and unassuming, his failures have stuck with him and he’s looking for a chance at validation.  He's a sensitive soul, and a friend says he's seen Weibe cry more than any other guy he knows.

The battle begins when Weibe’s video tape of his record breaking Donkey Kong score, which he mailed to the recognized arbiter of all things classic arcade, Twin Galaxies, was called into question.  Only a live score could be verified beyond a shadow of a doubt, he was told, a rule that apparently only applies in certain cases.  Weibe travels to Funspot in New Jersey for a big gaming event sponsored by Twin Galaxies in an attempt to square off with Mitchell face to face and beat his score in public.  Funspot is a haven for nerdery; a lot of paunches, bad hair, and black denim.

I don’t want to give too much of the story away.  I’ll tell you that Mitchell doesn’t show up at Funspot, but a video tape of his apparent latest record-breaking game comes out and is accepted as legit, even though Weibe’s tape was rejected.  The Twin Galaxies crew and a lot of their sycophantic disciples are a pretty protective bunch and Weibe is the outsider trying to break into this strange world.  He’s treated shabbily by most of these snobby dorks at first (they constantly mispronounce his name as weeb when it should be pronounced wee-bee), but after he doggedly continues to travel to these events to prove his legitimacy, even to Mitchell’s hometown, they come to respect him, and even like him.

Really, this isn’t a movie about Donkey Kong.  It’s about the drive to succeed and be recognized for your accomplishments on their own merits (even if it’s something as inconsequential as a video game) and not because of who you are or who you know.  Don’t get me wrong, the movie is hilarious in its absurdity, but it works on a deeper level as well.

A good documentary should let its subjects tell the story by showing them just as they are and not manipulate to affect the viewers perspective.  There were some moments that seemed a little contrived, but on the whole I think they played it pretty straight.  Even if you’re not into video games (or nerds) this is definitely worth the hour and twenty and is one of the best movies of 2007.